What Exactly Constitutes Abuse?
Abuse constitutes any mistreatment, harm or violence of any adult person, child or animal. It is most often a repeated pattern of behaviour utilised by a perpetrator (master manipulator) to another to manipulate and control them to achieve the desired result of getting that person to do what they want through covert (not obvious) or overt (very obvious) means. The end result of this type of abuse is just as harmful, if not more so, than physical violence, because over an extended period of time, anyone who is exposed to this form of abuse becomes worn down and deeply affected. We are not taught as a society exactly how serious and debilitating being emotionally abused is, it literally can kill. It’s a slow and painful death if you stick around the abuse long enough. It literally breaks down your mind, your body and finally your soul.
The abusive tactics implemented through covert or overt means often take many forms such as:
Most people normally associate abuse with physical violence, but from the list above, we can see that although in some cases there is no physical violence, the list of manipulating dynamics above are very harmful. And anyone who has lived in these dynamics is testimony to the immense pain and discomfort experienced in living in this manner.
HOW DOES ABUSE AFFECT YOU?
Do you often feel confused, hurt and unable to concentrate?
Do you find that you can never please your partner?
Is your partner upset with you often?
Does your partner blame you often for things that go wrong?
Are you in denial or consciously unaware of the dynamics of the abuse, and make excuses for your partner?
Are you finding it harder and harder to make decisions for yourself?
Are there any changes in your eating, sleeping, functioning to do day to day activities?
Do you find you have less and less energy to get the most simplest of tasks accomplished?
Do you feel anxious, fatigued and depressed?
Do you feel cut off from your family and friends?
Is your self confidence low?
Do you feel fear about the future and whether you could make it alone?
WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT THE SITUATION?
Realise that emotional abuse is serious. But to realise this you may need support in understanding how you got into the abusive situation, how to deal with the abusive situation, how to get out of the abusive situation, how to heal from the abuse and how to get your sanity and life back! This is where coaching and neuro linguistic programming can be of great help, support and healing to you. Also having someone supportive to work with and who understands the dynamics of the abusive tactics used against you. As you may realise after searching for the right relationship counsellor, therapist/psychologist, not many picked up on the severity and abuse dynamics of your situation. Sometimes unknowingly further victimising you and perhaps inadvertently blaming you for the abuse you were already experiencing. This happens sometimes because some therapists are not trained in the area of abuse dynamics.
Understand and realise that emotional abuse is as detrimental and as bad if not worse than physical abuse.
Realise the harm it is causing you and your children.
Sometimes emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.
Find supportive people to talk and confide in.
Know and understand that you are NOT to blame for your partner’s abusive behaviour toward you and that you have not done anything to justify being treated in this manner.
Understand that you have the right to make your own decisions in your time frames, and that dealing and preparing to remove yourself from the abusive situation may and will take time.
Trust in your experience of the abuse. Realise your strengths. Know that you are your own best witness of your experience, and that you have the power and the tools you need to survive and thrive.
WHERE ELSE CAN YOU TURN TO FOR SUPPORT AND ADVICE?
Women’s/men's help lines. You can find the number in the front of your phone book.
Some shelters do accept women/men who are abused.
If you have been threatened or harmed please call your local emergency number.
If you are considering leaving, see a family law lawyer.
Note that abused women are at the greatest risk of being harmed or killed when leaving the abuser. Ensure that you have a plan in place for your own safety and that of your children and pets.
The abusive tactics implemented through covert or overt means often take many forms such as:
Most people normally associate abuse with physical violence, but from the list above, we can see that although in some cases there is no physical violence, the list of manipulating dynamics above are very harmful. And anyone who has lived in these dynamics is testimony to the immense pain and discomfort experienced in living in this manner.
HOW DOES ABUSE AFFECT YOU?
Do you often feel confused, hurt and unable to concentrate?
Do you find that you can never please your partner?
Is your partner upset with you often?
Does your partner blame you often for things that go wrong?
Are you in denial or consciously unaware of the dynamics of the abuse, and make excuses for your partner?
Are you finding it harder and harder to make decisions for yourself?
Are there any changes in your eating, sleeping, functioning to do day to day activities?
Do you find you have less and less energy to get the most simplest of tasks accomplished?
Do you feel anxious, fatigued and depressed?
Do you feel cut off from your family and friends?
Is your self confidence low?
Do you feel fear about the future and whether you could make it alone?
WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT THE SITUATION?
Realise that emotional abuse is serious. But to realise this you may need support in understanding how you got into the abusive situation, how to deal with the abusive situation, how to get out of the abusive situation, how to heal from the abuse and how to get your sanity and life back! This is where coaching and neuro linguistic programming can be of great help, support and healing to you. Also having someone supportive to work with and who understands the dynamics of the abusive tactics used against you. As you may realise after searching for the right relationship counsellor, therapist/psychologist, not many picked up on the severity and abuse dynamics of your situation. Sometimes unknowingly further victimising you and perhaps inadvertently blaming you for the abuse you were already experiencing. This happens sometimes because some therapists are not trained in the area of abuse dynamics.
Understand and realise that emotional abuse is as detrimental and as bad if not worse than physical abuse.
Realise the harm it is causing you and your children.
Sometimes emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.
Find supportive people to talk and confide in.
Know and understand that you are NOT to blame for your partner’s abusive behaviour toward you and that you have not done anything to justify being treated in this manner.
Understand that you have the right to make your own decisions in your time frames, and that dealing and preparing to remove yourself from the abusive situation may and will take time.
Trust in your experience of the abuse. Realise your strengths. Know that you are your own best witness of your experience, and that you have the power and the tools you need to survive and thrive.
WHERE ELSE CAN YOU TURN TO FOR SUPPORT AND ADVICE?
Women’s/men's help lines. You can find the number in the front of your phone book.
Some shelters do accept women/men who are abused.
If you have been threatened or harmed please call your local emergency number.
If you are considering leaving, see a family law lawyer.
Note that abused women are at the greatest risk of being harmed or killed when leaving the abuser. Ensure that you have a plan in place for your own safety and that of your children and pets.
Ignoring
Put downs
Yelling
Ordering
Contradict and argues against you (often)
Lying
Confusing you on purpose (called Gaslighting)
Blaming
Bullying
Intimidating
Threatening
Swearing
Labelling you as something you’re not
Questions everything you say or do (with no logical reasoning behind it)
Pretends not to understand you (on purpose)
Hurtful remarks or comments
Telling a joke but it was masked as abuse
Lack of respect
Physically hitting
Put downs
Yelling
Ordering
Contradict and argues against you (often)
Lying
Confusing you on purpose (called Gaslighting)
Blaming
Bullying
Intimidating
Threatening
Swearing
Labelling you as something you’re not
Questions everything you say or do (with no logical reasoning behind it)
Pretends not to understand you (on purpose)
Hurtful remarks or comments
Telling a joke but it was masked as abuse
Lack of respect
Physically hitting
"Pior to having NLP coaching sessions on abuse dynamics with Enza, I was confused, feeling hopeless and had no real plan or direction to follow. Having been in an abusive relationship for so long, I had lost traces of myself, my trusting my own experiences, not knowing what the next step I should take was, in order to bring me healing, clarity and progress to move forward. I had spent hundreds of dollars going from one psychologist to counsellor to domestic violence groups after another, and none of them really understanding what I had been through and what had happened to me. Yes they all understood domestic violence, but I guess because of their training, they focused mostly on communication dynamics. Still I was suffering in confusion and struggling to understand why, how etc., I was feeling so hurt and damaged. I was finding it hard to focus on work and my day to day responsibilities, spending countless hours trying to figure out what was happening to my life and my mind. After a few sessions with Enza, I now understand through the explanations and strategies given to me, how I got into the abuse dynamic, how I stayed stuck in it, and what I must now do to create boundaries for myself and move forward to a healthier life style. From our sessions together, I now have healthier boundaries, I have understanding of what abuse is and what damage it causes and how to manage and protect myself from similar situations. Thank you. This understanding is priceless!"
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